We have sessions available online and by phone, as well as a growing number of face-to-face appointments at our centres in Clapham and Tooting. We can match you with a therapist who can help. If you’ve experienced any form of emotional abuse and are seeking support to explore and overcome the effects of it, then get in touch with us. You can value yourself and resolve not to be treated in that way. You can’t fight back using the same tools, but you can begin to show that they’re not affecting you. Recognising is the first step to understanding – and the second step is to seek to reduce a gaslighter’s influence in your life. Reading the above traits, and perhaps recognising that you’ve been lured into a gaslighter’s game, may put a chill down your spine. Teasing and mocking you in front of others – or using personal information you’ve shared with them to shame or humiliate you.Lying – and denying your version of the truth.Wearing you down over time with a combination of compliments and criticisms.They won’t admit to having caused any problems themselves. Refusing to take personality responsibility – always putting the blame on the other.This tactic puts you in a double bind and you become unsure of yourself. The example Dr Sarkis offers is someone who tells you to lose weight then serves a selection of desserts with dinner. They’ll drop you if you’re not reflecting back their wonderfulness. Associating with people who fawn over them.Obsessing about their image and your image, sometimes dropping not-so-subtle hints that make you feel not good enough.Victims of gaslighters can then end up going the extra mile to please their partner just to avoid triggering this temper – losing themselves in the process. It can feel quite scary if their anger, over time, turns into an explosive temper. Expecting special treatment from their partner – and becoming angry if their needs aren’t met exactly how they expect them to be.The key is to spot that their flattery is fake from the start – not always easy. Flattering and praising profusely at the beginning, and then dropping or ignoring you once they’ve achieved what they need from you.Seeing confrontation between other people gives a gaslighter power. Working behind the scenes to pit people against each other – such as relaying messages through a third party.Otherwise they’ll say something along the lines of “sorry you feel that way” – which isn’t a real apology. Apologising only to get something out of you.In the chapter Is it me, or is it you making me think it’s me? she outlines some typical traits and tricks of a gaslighter. They may have learned to do this to survive their childhood upbringing, or they may have seen parents behave in this way too. She says gaslighters seek to gain control over others to meet their own neediness. They seek to manipulate and gain power over people – and they’re not always consciously aware they’re doing it.ĭr Stephanie Sarkis has researched and written about this topic in her book Gaslighting: How to recognise manipulative and emotionally abusive people… and break free. Gaslighters can be anyone: a partner, parent, friend, sibling, colleague, boss or politician. What gives gaslighting its power is that it can be incredibly subtle. In short, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that comes from how someone talks to you and treats you, manipulating the truth so that you gradually and persistently question your own reality. Gaslighting is defined in the Urban Dictionary as “a form of intimidation or psychological abuse, where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity”. Collaborative Partners & External Agencies.
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